What a crazy six months it has been
The beginning of 2020 seemed so promising for my daughter, finally she was beginning to have the college experience she had been dreaming of; challenging and engaging classes, new friends, parties, playing and writing music again and then March 17th 2020 everything came to a crashing halt. There wasn’t a person on the planet that wasn’t affected by the novel Corona-virus aka Covid-19. Millions of people around the globe became very sick with many deaths, millions of people were laid off from jobs, businesses suffered, all children stopped going to school, and the only possibility to go anywhere was for essential purposes. This was something entirely different that anyone in our lifetime had ever experienced.
Within a few days everything changed
Instead of coming home for spring break with her roommate like she had planned, in a matter of a few days my daughter had to pack up her dorm room to come home for the rest of the semester. Everything that had been planned was put on hold due to the pandemic. The remainder of the semester occured online through zoom and months passed as days of the week blurred into one another 
Getting through the summer
Like for most young people, getting through the summer of 2020 was hard; her only social interactions were over zoom and short daily walks. Towards the end of the summer, she started recording a song and was able to meet her friends and create art outside, all while social distanced. Luckily our daughter did work in our restaurant for the summer and actually made some great earnings in tips due to the large amount of take out orders and generous customers. But this was not the summer she had planned or expected, she began to feel isolated like many others during this time. The same feelings of uncertainty, anxiety, depression and self doubt from the early days of her illness began to creep in.
Would old symptoms return?
Since there wasn’t the ability to lead a normal life at the moment, I noticed that she was spending a lot of time in her room. This had me worried, would her old symptoms from PANS and anxiety return? Just a few short years ago if the same set of circumstances were to occur she would definitely not be able to handle the uncertainty of the world we were now living in. As her mom, I was beginning to experience PTSD as I was worried that her old symptoms would find their way back into our lives. Then as I reflected on myself, my family, everyone that I knew and what I was observing in the world. The feeling of isolation, uncertainty and anxiety was everywhere not only under our roof. Luckily, she had a network of care providers to fall back on and a toolset of techniques she developed over the years to get her through. Her homeopath changed her remedy to fit what she was experiencing and her therapist helped her navigate the feelings that were bubbling up again. I knew deep down that these feelings she was having were not from brain inflammation, just normal feelings that many others, especially young adults going through this time were also experiencing. But at the same time, I couldn’t help feel transported back to times when it was.
Should she go back to school?
“Would she, could she go back to school? This was the nagging question that was like the elephant in the room for the entire summer. Her school is located in New York, the initial epicentre since Covid began and generally a place no one wants to go to right now. How could she go back? Because of her compromised immune system, I kept thinking to myself: would it be negligent to allow her or even consider the possibility of her going back to school? As these questions sat with our entire family for the summer, her school rolled out a Covid Response Team and began creating plans for students to safely return to campus. Her school is located about 90 minutes north of New York City in a beautiful setting nestled near the Hudson River. It’s a small school, nearly 2,500 students spread out on 850 acres, meaning lots of space to keep distance. Webinars began on what the school year would be like, how the classes would take place, how food services would change, the protocol if someone showed symptoms for Covid, testing protocols. We were feeling more and more assured that the school was doing everything it could to protect the students and faculty and make sure the spread would not occur, the administration even constructed tents for teaching in an open space. Students were required to sign a revised student handbook pledging to abide by many of the new rules that were now in place.
Yet, no matter how safe things seemed, there was the concerning news coming out each day on how the campuses were allowing students back and immediately they would have an outbreak of cases, then switching to online, sending students home before they really had a chance to begin the school year. Many of these Covid outbreaks happened on college campuses that were large, in major cities, and did not have many checks and balances in place. Still these stories continued and as my daughter made the decision to go back to school. Sadly, she had a few friends that had decided to take a gap year or transfer to another school closer to their home. The state of New York required that anyone coming from a restricted area with too many positive cases of Covid per 100,000 people would have to quarantine for 2 weeks once entering New York State, she also needed to test negative prior to arriving at school for Covid.These were a few of the hurdles she needed to jump through just to return to campus with little to no certainty that she would be able to stay there and not be sent home again.
A decision was made
Ultimately, she made the decision to go back to school, after days of making exhaustive pros and cons sheets, one day deciding “yes” and then another day “no”, the driving reason to go back was fear of isolation. Though it would be a very different school year and social interactions and even learning would be very different, she felt like she needed to be with her fellow students on campus even if that only meant for a little while. We labeled this semester as a”new beginning” as she saw it as an opportunity to create new friendships.
There is definitely the risk of contracting Covid and the implications of what would happen if she did. But as she got sick with PANS in 2012 because her immune system was susceptible to unraveling the opposite is true now. Now, thanks to homeopathy and her management of her triggers to stress, we feel very strongly that she is not as susceptible to illness as she once might have been. She could possibly get Covid and it is terrifying to think of what could happen if she did get it, but the way her immune system now responds is appropriate. In 2012, she did have a compromised immune system but in 2020 she has one that is strong, healthy, and vital. If she gets sick, she gets sick and that’s it. It’s a risk, her symptoms could potentially return if she contracted Covid but the difference is now that in her tool box is a whole set of tools that she has learned to use and her resilience and inner strength from having PANS is unbreakable. She is moved in now for about 5 weeks and doing as well as can be expected under the very different circumstances and the school and students are doing a phenomenal job with 0 cases.
I still worry every day and check the school website to see if there are any cases, we’ve also made contingency plans in case of an outbreak. I know she also questions whether going back was the right decision for her but I believe her experience navigating PANS and living through it has made her capable of handling just about anything. Maybe she’ll have to come back sooner than expected, this is an unanswered question but, what I know is there are no perfectly right decisions or wrong decisions, there are just decisions and we gain experience and learn from each one we make which help guide us on our life’s journey.